Toefl Essay #2
What Things Will Be Changed in 21C
I
still remember the red shouting of 2002. It was quite interesting for me that
world can watch the soccer games held in Korea though the countries are far
from here. 10years later, 2012, People can communicate through ‘facebook’ and
several types of smartphones. Those things actually give us many conveniences
but also some inconveniences. They have improved democracy all around the world
but also exploited workers all around the world in many different ways.
Following paragraphs will help you to understand the contents in this
paragraph.

However,
some sociologists say that improvement of network services can exploit workers.
Being able of long distance communications help workers get work though the
time is after work time or Sunday. Higher offices can give workers work anytime
they need. As a result, workers cannot get enough rest during weekend. But,
there is no serious consideration about wages working time listed on the Labor
Standard Law or infringing worker’s private life. Considering many workers
admire leaving office and weekend for their sweet rest, out-office working such
as e-mailing is too cruel.
There
are other problems about SNS. When companies hire new workers, some of them
check applicants’ twitter or facebook to inspect their ideas and attitude of
life, politics. In this unstable economic situation, taking a job is more and
more important, and therefore, applicants and workers should manage their SNS
according to boss’s idea. For instance, recently, some workers made one twitter
address called ‘Bamboo Woods’ to share their everyday life however company
president found the existence of that address, and began to censer that.
Considering twitter and facebook can be alive because of free expression of
idea, censorship killed the function of SNS and restrained the outlet of
workers’ stress made in everyday office life.
21C
is the century of technology. As we know every technology has two faces like
Janus. Modern technology, represented as social networking services, may
improve our democracy through free expression of our ideas, on the other hand,
may exploit worker no matter office and house, and boss’s censorship is work
cruel for them. Therefore, what we need is participating to improve democracy
more and respect workers’ leisure time and facebook status.
I would like to give you some points for closely analyzing the theme you try to demonstrate, but be aware of the deviation.
답글삭제Hi!! I really enjoy your essay, and I find some strongpoints and weakpoints of it
답글삭제1. You introduction was good! Introducing the overall flow of advancement of technology in Korea leads to SNS service very naturally.
2. In the next class how about using the word "Ggomsu" instead of "I'm funny trick"? and describe the word Ggomsu. "I'm funnt trick" seems to be little awkward and does not reflect the meaning and sacastic sense of the word of "Ggomsu" well
3. In the same paragraph, how about mention exact name of political party. Since you wrote 'government party' and 'other side of government' many times, it is little confused to catch
4. And when you wrote about sns service effect, why don't you mention more about Egtpt or Greek? They are such a good idea to describe the positive effect of sns, and that paragraph seems to be little short, compare to other paragraph.
5. Your third paragraph was little short, and messy. However, the idea was good so by adding specific example, and more description will help understanding.
Hi!! Interesting essay!!
답글삭제Some points I want to make~
First, you did not quite support your reasons and just went on with the examples. Your examples were very good but I had to realize what you were talking about when I was reading the examples. It is okay to lessen your examples because you have quite a lot but be sure to support your reasons.
Second, in your fourth paragraph, I did not quite get what the problem is. I think it would have been better if you clear out the problem in the beginning of that paragraph instead of going on explaining about it.
Still, your idea was quite impressive. That, I would like to say nicely about. I enjoyed your essay :)